A Different Orbit
by Girlwith1eye
Summary: "When you know someone your whole life, it's easy to fall together. He was the center of my world, a sun that I orbited myself around 365 days of the year. Until I didn't."
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Hello Potential readers. This is my first story, so please be kind. I'm just practicing =)_  
_This will probably be a short story, and I will hopefully update once a week. Thanks for reading!_

When you know someone you're whole life, it's easy to fall together. Forced play dates with our dad's cooking barbecue outback turn into time on our own filled with easy laughs and hidden feelings which ultimately twisted into love made of memories and close proximity. He was the center of my world, a sun that I orbited myself around 365 days of the year.

Until I didn't.

I thought it happened abruptly. That one moment I was in line, spinning and spinning along with him. Looking back, I realize I was fighting a losing battle. I was in another solar system, a different galaxy. Sophomore year, I should have felt myself jarring off course, but it didn't feel like that then. Or maybe it did, but it just made me want to fight more to stay with him and in the warmth that came over me with every sly look and inside joke.

Looking around me, seeing this empty room reminds me of how far I have come from that little girl in that little town with the big shot boyfriend who I thought I loved with every fiber of my being. This empty room reminds me I missed out on my future, and that maybe I'm not that different from the little girl who went on orbiting a boy who I didn't love.

Looking around this empty room, I should have known that something brought up in heart break could only ever hope to end in tragedy.

**1 year ago…**

"Is that from your college secret lover?" Angela draws me out of my phone. I feel a blush and an automatic scowl creep across my face.

"Ang, you know he's just a friend. He's helping me out with college applications." I think I've told her this a million times, but she takes her job as best friend and tormentor very seriously.

"Yeah, to his college. So he can whisk you away from your small town life and your small town friends and your small town boyfriend" She says as she opens the door to the cafeteria.

"Angela, you and everyone else knows I'm staying in state. I only toured UCLA because my mom wanted me to." I've told her this story a million times, and she still thinks I'm hiding some deep dark secret.

Two years ago during my sophomore year, my mother suddenly decided to get involved with my future. It became her new project. Even living states away, she managed to get me on a plane to spend a weekend at UCLA touring the school. Some people would say I'm a pushover, and I wouldn't argue.

I was supposed to stay with a girl named Alice for the weekend, but she came down with some kind of flu or something. The people at the admissions office told me they didn't have any other female replacements. Just as I was prepared to turn around, defeated and frustrated that I let myself get into this situation, in walked this guy who was a volunteer for the weekend. Within an hour, it was set up for me to stay with him, and he showed me around the entire weekend.

"It was really nice, he was really nice, and now we're friends, Angela" Hopefully the millionth time is the charm.

"Mmhmm I know adoration when I see it, Bella. That boy has got it bad." She says, walking us towards our table. After giving her a well-deserved eye roll, I walk over to my seat next to Jacob.

He gives me a welcome kiss on the cheek and moves his hand to my knee without pausing his conversation on whether or not the penalty at the last game was fair or not. I used to insert myself in these conversations. My father never missed a Sunday game, so I was more than familiar with the rules. It used to impress all the guys, and especially Jacob, who would agree with whatever I said in a way that made me feel special and like he wanted to show me off to anyone who would listen.

As we've gotten older though, the boys seemed less and less impressed with Jake's opinionated girlfriend who might just know more than them, so I've become less and less involved.

It's fine with me though. I never really liked that game anyways. This gives me time for more important things. Looking down, I open up the e-mail that Angela wouldn't let me get through.

_Hey Bella,_

_It's getting close to graduation your way, huh? I hope you're not freaking as much as I was. It's not as scary as it seems. Especially when you know you have friends at the school you got into (aka, me).  
__I know, I know, you're staying in state. Don't even bother telling me again. All I'm going to say is that it's not over until it's over, and I think UCLA would be a great fit.  
__In response to your last question, I think college can in some ways be easier than high school. The work is more advanced, but you get to sleep in =)_

_Till you come to your senses about California,_

_Edward_

I shake my head and find myself smiling at the e-mail.

"Hey babe, what you got there?" Jacob pulls me out of my phone and brings me back to him.

"Oh nothing, that kid from UCLA just wrote me back." I reply, while locking my phone and putting it away. I don't know what comes over me, and why I think I need to hide it the way I do.

"UCLA, hm?" His gaze is back on his lunch.

Not wanting him to be upset I laugh and kiss his cheek before replying, "Yeah, but you know I'm staying in state. Who else is going to keep you in check next year?"

He laughs and goes back to his previous conversation. Back to football and scoring points. I push down the annoyance I feel with being easily dismissed. Once upon a time, he couldn't take his eyes off of me for longer than a moment or two. Everyone used to complain that they couldn't have a productive conversation with him when I was around.

But what could they expect? We're Jacob and Bella. Friends since before we could have friends and in love since we realized that there was more to our playful banter. We've been in sync since birth and the 'it couple' since 8th grade homecoming when he kissed me on the dance floor.

No one complains about that anymore, though.

The bell rings, pulling me from my memories. Jake kisses my cheek again, mumbling something about seeing me later for our date and walks toward his bio class. Before I can overanalyze this, I'm pulled towards the other door by Angela, "I see the wrinkle in between your eyes. Bella, what are you thinking so hard about?"

I don't really want to talk about it. Everyone sees us as this perfect couple, and I'm not sure I'm even willing to question that to myself, "Nothing, really. College and graduation I guess." I say, silently praying she'll believe it.

"Not ah, lady. You got your lying face on. Spill." Clearly, Angela's bullshit meter is armed and dangerous.

I take a moment to phrase how I'm going to respond when I'm not even sure what my issue is. My home life is great, I'm about to graduate high school, I have a great group of friends and a loving boyfriend who I'm going to college with next year. Complaining at this point would make me seem ungrateful. Choosing my words carefully I ask, "It's silly, but have you noticed anything off with Jacob lately?"

She stops in her tracks, I can't meet her eyes. My heart beats a little faster and I steel myself for the worst, "Bella, I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe you should talk to Jake?"

I keep my eyes down but nod my agreement. We continue our way to class and she talks about going dress shopping later for graduation. Outside, I'm back to being Bella Swan, all smiles and happiness as if my world isn't turning upside down. Inside, I'm scared to death.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for reading! Like I said, it's going to be a shorter story so after this, the pace is going to pick up a bit. **

**Hope you enjoy =)**

Biology class is always a great place to sort through my thoughts. With this being my senior year and my future being set, I've stopped trying as hard to maintain an A+ in this class. I've always been a perfectionist, but I just don't find mitochondria and all that to be interesting enough to make me care. Instead, I've been using Banner's monotonous lectures as background to all the crap running through my head, mostly crap about Jacob.

Now that I've had a few minutes to sit with myself, I feel silly for allowing fear to cloud my thoughts. Nothing big even happened in the cafeteria. Jacob was just really into the game last week, and since it's Monday he hasn't really gotten the chance to talk about it with his boys. Whenever I need to dish with Angela about something, Jacob always gives me space. He's secure in our relationship, so I should be too.

I am, or I will be. I have to be.

Good relationships are built on that, and Jacob and I have always been secure. We've been together since eighth grade. We've always been good together, and everyone is always so envious of how good we are, how solid.

We never did that whole teenage angst on and off again thing. He kissed me on the dance floor and it's be on since then. No drama, no tears, just easy and nice. He's my rock. We have a lifetime of play dates, backyard barbeques and a lot of firsts that bind us in a way that's untouchable, even by my doubts and stupid fears.

I suddenly have the urge to laugh at myself. The events in the cafeteria suddenly feel so small, and I have the urge to seek out Jake and apologize for doubting him, even if it was only in my head.

"Bella, are you coming or what?" Angela says, bringing me out of my head. She nudges me with her hip, and I see the last of the class trickling out of the room. Shaking my head, I gather my things and walk with Angela to the parking lot. She fills my ear with more plans for graduation. Photos and dresses and parties oh my.

Meanwhile, my eyes search the crowd for tanned skin and black hair. When I find him, I see he's talking to the new girl. I can never remember her name since we don't have any classes together, but she came in halfway through the year. It's her senior year too, and I've always felt sorry for her, having to start all over when everyone else is looking to start over in just a few months.

"Who's that?" Angela says, spotting the same thing.

"I can't remember her name, she's that new girl though, remember?" I can't stop looking at them. Jake laughs at something, and I feel my anxiety bubbling in my stomach, clawing its way up my throat, closing in on my lungs. I focus on deep breaths and remember how silly I felt just a few moments ago in Biology, willing myself to go back to that moment. I let my eyes close as I force good memories to flash: movie nights with kettle corn, falling over each other during ice skating sessions, his eyes when he first saw me in my homecoming dress.

"Ohh right. Sucks. How does Jake know her?" Angela pauses and puts her arm on my shoulder, "Bella, are you OK?." I hear concern and a little annoyance. It's the second time today that I've showed insecurity, and I know Angela thinks I'm being ridiculous since Jacob and I have never had more than a disagreement about what movie to see in the entire time we've dated.

"Sorry, I was just thinking. I'm cool. He actually has a class with her. English, I think. He's nice to her, she needs friends." My own words reassure me, and I feel the shame I felt earlier for doubting my relationship. Didn't I just say I was going to be more confident?

"Let's go say hi, then." Angela is already walking towards them, and I have to jog for a second to keep up. We reach them, and Jake looks surprised to see me, but smiles.

"Hey Bella," he kisses my cheek, "Angela, hey. Have you two met Renesmee?" He gestures towards the girl. She smiles, but it doesn't seem to reach her eyes.

"It's nice to meet you two." She waves a little and fidgets.

"Likewise." Angela responds. Her eyebrow is quirked and her bitch face is in place, and I can tell she doesn't really like this girl. Even though Angela's been short with me today about all the Jacob bullshit, she's still really protective, and an unknown girl talking to my boyfriend is definitely a threat in her eyes.

After meeting Renesmee though, I'm not worried. She seems kind of awkward and shy. I'm no social butterfly, but this girl makes even me feel like I could have a career as a politician. Jacob is really sweet for trying to make her feel welcome.

"I'm glad we've finally got the chance to really meet. Forks High is so small, you'd think it would have happened sooner." I put on my best and friendliest smile, suddenly determined to make this girl feel comfortable.

"It happens" She says with a shrug, letting the conversation die before it really began.

"Well, we better get going. I need to run a few errands," Jake interrupts the awkwardness hanging in the air, he's so friendly and open that he probably doesn't even notice the tension stewing in the air, "Bells, I told Ness I'd give her a ride cause her car got a flat. Could you get a ride with Angela?"

I see Angela nod so I nod too.

"Great, I'll see you later." He unwraps himself from me and guides himself and Renesmee towards his car.

She looks back at Angela and I smiling big. It reaches her eyes this time. Before she gets in the car she yells, "You can call me Nessie by the way."

It isn't until they pull out of the lot that Angela bursts out laughing.

"What?" I can't help but laugh as well a little even though I'm not clued into the joke. Angela's laugh is nothing if not infectious.

"She's the loch ness monster." She barely squeaks out, still laughing. I roll my eyes, but I can't keep the smile off my face.

"Ang, be nice. She's new" I hip bump her as we walk to her car.

"Novelty is no reason to be nice. She seems like a bitch, and I'm not nice to bitches. Well, besides you." She unlocks the car and gets in as I scoff, still laughing a little though.

When I'm in the car, she turns on the radio and sings along as she pulls out of the parking lot. It starts to rain in true Forks fashion, and I can't help but think it's the perfect weather for a sea monster.


	3. Chapter 3

**Like I said, things are moving along! Thanks for reading! =)**

_Dear Edward,_

_I do actually take comfort in the fact that I will have friends at college. Jacob will be there and a few more of my friends as well. But good try on convincing me. I think you and my mom would get along well. She's all about that UCLA life, but she always did hate Forks._

_I'm glad to hear college isn't that intimidating. I'm looking forward to some freedom from my dad. He's great, but also a police chief if that tells you anything. _

_Speaking of getting away from parents, how is it living on your own? The last time I saw your dorm situation, I was scared I'd get lost in the messes. Has it gotten any better or are you still a bit of a slob? (And don't even try to blame that roommate of yours)_

_Forever in Washington,_

_Bella_

Hitting send, I look at the clock again and see it's 7:45. Jacob's 15 minutes late, and I feel the anger rising up. _I know he cares, I know he cares, I know he cares_ is the mantra I repeat over and over again as I watch the minutes tick by.

After 13 rounds of random games on my phone, I hear his car. I wait for the sound of his door opening and shutting and feet stepping on the ground, but it doesn't come, so instead I wait for the inevitable honk of his horn – my new signal.

The horn sounds, and like the good little soldier I've become I gravitate towards the door, not even mustering up the energy for one of my classic eye rolls.

"Hey babe" he says, leaning over to kiss my cheek as I put on my seatbelt. As he pulls away, I let my anger go with him. He loves me and I love him, and all the other stuff doesn't matter anymore. I'm secure.

"Hey, I was worried you were going to cancel. I'm glad you made it." I keep the tone teasing though the message is genuine. I watch as he grips the steering wheel a little harder. His jaw tightens and it feels like hours before he speaks, the engine idling quietly in the background.

"Yeah, well I have a lot going on right now Bella. You ever worry about that? I wasn't even that late." His tone is all anger and annoyance, and I'm taken back by just how not Jacob it is.

"Hey, Jake, I was just teasing you. I really am happy to see you, let's not let this ruin the night." I hate how my voice sounds desperate. I hate that it reflects how I feel, desperate and scared as a child might feel separated from their parent in the supermarket.

"Oh fuck this. You're the one who clearly wanted to ruin the night tonight, Isabella, not me. I am so sick of this." My birth name sounds like a bad word from his mouth. It's foreign and it nearly makes me forget he's talking to me. I almost turn my head to see where this other person, this "Isabella," is. It's just me here though, a copilot who has lost control.

He's not even looking at me now. My heart is beating faster now because I know the next few lines of this scene, and I don't foresee a happy ending.

"Sick of what? I didn't mean anything by it, Jake. Please let's just drop it. I don't want to fight." I'm begging now. Pleading to go back and undo this, to take away the cracks that have appeared so suddenly I have to wonder how long they've actually been around.

"Bella, god. I can't do this anymore. We're graduating soon, and this is so not how I want to spend the last few weeks of high school. I think- I think we should take a break." There's a decision in his voice. He's decided a future for us that I didn't agree to. I feel myself losing air, and my cheeks are wet, but I don't remember when I started crying.

"Jake, please, I don't understand. I'm sorry, ok? I'm sorry I brought it up. It's just been a long day, and I was tired. I love you." I feel myself go into preservation mode, I need to say anything I can to keep him with me, "We're going to college together, and we have all these other plans. You can't just be done with that. You can't just make that decision alone."

"Things change Bella. Things change, and I'm done." He doesn't even look at me. I hear a whimper sound through the air and part of me is hopeful it came from him as a sign that this is hurting him or a sign that this is all a joke that he can't keep going along with anymore.

It's just me though, and that thought alone is enough to make it reappear.

"Bella, don't make this any harder than it has to be. We're just kids in high school." He minimizes our 5 year relationship to nothing more than the first half of one of those God awful romantic comedies like the ones where the lead character realizes they've been in love with their best friend the entire time.

I thought Jacob was my best friend, though.

"But Jake-" I try to sputter out, but he shakes his head and looks at me for the first time in what feels like eternity.

"Bella. Please. Just go. We're over." He leans over me, careful not to touch me and opens my door. His hands go immediately return to the steering wheel. Speechless, I exit the car and before I can even really shut the car door, he's pulling away.

How long has he been pulling away?

I wait a while in my front yard, waiting for someone to come out and clue me into the joke. I close my eyes tight, willing this to all be a dream, but no amount of pinching seems to be waking me up.

It isn't until the rain begins again that I start to move towards my house. I rush inside past the living room and up the stairs until I'm in my room. After slamming the door, which echoes pointlessly throughout the vacated house, I fold in on myself and crumble on the floor.

With my head in my hands, I focus on maintaining deep breaths. I let all other thoughts fade besides the ones responsible for the mechanism of inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. With every breath, I feel less panicked. I lift my head from my arms and immediately regret it.

Jacob is everywhere.

His jersey hangs from a chair. The card he made me for Valentine's Day two years ago is pinned to the wall by my bed. There are pictures of us on every surface, all of them reflecting back the happy couple I thought we were.

Hot tears stream down my cheeks, and I swear I can see red. I force myself to my feet and the destruction that follows would surprise anyone who knows me as the agreeable, nice Bella Swan. I throw picture frames on the ground, crumple love notes written in secrecy and rip the shirt he left here after our first time together.

By the time I'm done, my room matches how I feel. Being surrounded by all the mess comforts me, which is surprising because I never took myself for a masochist. Now that the feeling is here though, I'm not satisfied with a messy room. I look around for something, anything else I can destroy when an idea pops into my head.

I grab my computer and head to the appropriate websites to destroy the biggest thing I can think of.

My future plans.

_Edward,_

_Change of plans. I'm headed to UCLA next month._

_Bella_


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for reading! Heads up, I changed the rating to M because I mention painkillers in this chapter, and I find that I have characters who curse a lot... I don't think it'll get much darker than that, but I'd rather be safe than sorry =)**

My phone ringing rips me from sleep. With my eyes still shut tightly, I manage to ignore the call and reality for a few more wondrous seconds. Before I can succumb to more delicious sleep, spurred on by the painkillers left over from a wisdom tooth extraction, the phone rings again and again and again. It's a reminder that something is amiss in my life, as if the consistent feeling of anxiety wasn't reminder enough.

Through tear crusted eyes, I see that it's Angela calling. I can't imagine how she knows what happened last night, but there isn't any other excuse for a Saturday morning call. There is no part of me that's ready for this conversation, but I know she'll need to hear from me in order to make the phone calls stop coming.

With shaking hands, I slide to answer, "Hey Ang."

"Are you and Jake playing another practical joke with Facebook? Because that's middle school behavior" I hadn't even thought about how Facebook would tell everyone what happened last night. Jacob's words come back, taunting me. _We're just kids in high school. _

"Bell are you there?" Angela sounds softer now. She sounds like she's realized that whatever Jacob's social media account says is true. The tears start again because it's real now, there's no undo button, and the whole school knows it all. The whole town knows it by now. I wonder when Charlie will come awkwardly chat about it with me, or if it will ever happen.

"OK, I'm coming over." She hangs up before I can argue, before I can tell her that I just want to be alone, that I just want to succumb to a painkiller induced sleep because my dreams don't know Jacob doesn't want me anymore.

Before I let my phone drop to my nightstand, I can't help but click on the Facebook button. After all, there's nothing quite like rubbing salt in wounds. There are a lot of notifications, mostly messages from people I never really liked, all hoping to find out all the juicy details on the collapse of the late and great relationship of Forks High. It's all disguised by well wishes and concerns, but I know better.

After scrolling through updates on dress shopping and graduation countdowns, I find Jacob's update on his relationship status. Single. There's a lot of comments, but I don't dare to read them. Most will be from the gossip junkies that hit me up for information, but I'm terrified to see what information Jacob will disclose.

Will he tell them I begged?

That I cried?

Will he tell them how weak I am? How delusional for thinking what we had was the real deal?

Will he sneer that _we're just kids in high school?_

I hear Angela knocking before I can spiral further into this bottomless pit of shame and embarrassment. I throw my phone across my bed, suddenly very disinterested in anything it can offer me. I gather my comforter and head downstairs, avoiding the mirror on my door because I don't think I can look at myself just yet.

As soon as I open the front door, Angela encompasses me into the tightest hug she's ever given. It's as if she thinks she can piece me back together if she only holds tight enough. I try not to think about how I must smell, or how my tears are making her shirt wet, but I honestly don't know how to be taken care of like this.

"I'm sorry you have to see me like this, Ang." I tell her as try to pull myself away. She just shakes her head and hugs me for another few minutes. When she releases, she tugs me toward the couch. She pulls her bag into her lap and pulls out two pints of ice cream, three John Hughes movies and a bottle of wine she must have swiped from her mother's extensive stockpile.

"Don't apologize. I love you, and I want to be here. Now, get started on this Chocolate Therapy and give me ammunition for the ass kicking I'll be giving Jacob Black later." She says as she hands me one of the pints of ice cream. She even came equipped with spoons.

I fiddle with the spoon and the ice cream, watching as it slowly turns from rock solid to a deliciously creamy texture. It's such a shame that I have zero capacity to enjoy it. Yet another thing to thank Jacob for.

"I don't know what happened. He came by late for our date, I teased him about it and he broke up with me." My voice is shaky, and I can't make eye contact with Angela. I don't want to tell her about the yelling, about the way he wouldn't touch me, about how I begged.

"Just like that? Did he say why?" Angela says gently as if her words could break me, as if Jacob's words hadn't already beaten her to the punch.

"It all happened so fast. He just said he had a lot going on and that he was sick of us." It hurts to think about it.

The ice cream is turning to liquid now, and I still can't manage a bite. Angela takes a breath, and I feel her leg bounce up and down, a sure fire way to tell when she's angry.

"That doesn't make any sense. You two are disgustingly perfect." Not anymore, I think bitterly. Maybe we never were, not really.

"Well, things change. We're just high schoolers." I repeat his words and wince. A few more tears fall from my eyes. Angela reaches out for me and rubs my arm, and I smile even though it feels wrong in this moment.

"I call bullshit. We're all going to the same university when we know you could have gone somewhere way better. What an asshole! When we start in Fall, I'm going to tell every girl I can about his high school sized penis." She rambles on a bit more about all the other things she wants to do to hurt his reputation, and all I can do is picture how horrible it's going to be having to avoid him all the time when suddenly I remember what I did last night in the middle of my grief.

I rush to my feet, spilling the ice cream all over the couch and floor. I leave the mess behind as I run up the stairs towards my room and my computer. I hear Angela calling out for me, but I'm too focused on getting into my email account to respond. I have two emails.

One is from UCLA, congratulating me on my decision to accept and giving me links to register for orientation and housing.

Another is from Edward.

_Bella,_

_Such great news (I think)! Hope everything is alright, since it seemed like you were never going to budge. Ha ha, here I am getting what I wanted and now questioning it! So nevermind. Welcome to UCLA. I have family in Seattle that I was planning on visiting after finals, so I'm officially able to come to your graduation. So, it's good news all around in this e-mail. _

_Let me know if you have any questions about UCLA, and I'll tell you right now to skip the dorms. You'll thank me later. _

_Go Bruins! (but actually, I have little team spirit)_

_Edward_

"Oh God, Angela, I'm going to UCLA." I don't take my eyes off of the computer where I can feel Edward's excitement through the screen, but I know Angela is there. I see her in the threshold of the door, she looks like she doesn't know if she can cross, almost as if I've already moved on.

Maybe I have.

She has tears in her eyes and she nods slowly, "Good. That's really really good Bella. You're too good to stay here."

I don't agree, but I reach out for her and we hug for a long time.

"OK enough sap, now we have to commence the John Hughes marathon and plot all the ways you're going to make Jacob realize he's a dumbass." She says as she wipes her eyes and releases me from a hug. She walks out of the room to go downstairs, somehow knowing that I need a moment before I can join her.

With a deep breath, I wipe my tears. I try to will away the sadness and dread that's choking me, to no avail. I think about how I've completely derailed every plan I've spent the last four years making. I know everyone will accept the changes, Renee will be proud I'm starting a new adventure, Angela is clearly happy for me, and Jacob… Well, I guess Jacob won't care either way.

Edward will be there with me, which is oddly calming the more I think about it. I look at his email once more and involuntarily smile at his kind words. The smile still feels foreign, but it's there.

I know the truth though. UCLA is my haven, a place I can run away to, a place I won't see with Jacob-clouded eyes. California is a place that hasn't seen Jacob and Bella, prom king and queen, a couple everyone thought would last. That fact is both terrifying and comforting.

As I walk out of my room to be with Angela again, I can't help but look in the mirror this time. I don't recognize the person looking back, and that chills me to the bone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for reading. Sorry for the delay. **

**A bit of filler in this chapter, also a bit depressing since it's basically just describing a bad breakup. **

**See ya on the flip side!**

Monday crept up like a snake. I felt its grip squeeze tighter with each passing hour of the weekend. Angela stayed the whole day Saturday and kept true to her promise of Molly Ringwald and the kind of coming of age life lessons that can only come from a John Hughes film. I forced her out of the house that night though, so I could do some mourning in peace.

Sunday featured me in my bed, covers over head, swimming in an intoxicating sleep where everything was still alright.

The alarm ringing at 7:00 am yanked me from that solitude, signaling another hour passing, signaling another pulse of anxiety.

I hit the alarm harder than necessary, and force myself out of my cocoon, emerging like a caterpillar that didn't have the time to become a butterfly. A metamorphosis had occurred this weekend, of course, but it's one that's left me without any color.

I feel forever destined to live in black and white.

I reach for the robe hanging from my desk chair and make my way towards the shower. I turn it completely to hot, but jump in before I let it warm completely. The initial cold water is a jumpstart, a reminder I'm going to be uncomfortable for the foreseeable future. As the water warms, I get to work on washing away the weekend, as if I could erase Jacob's words, as if I could shed my skin, as if I really could transform into that butterfly or at least into someone that Jacob wanted.

Tears mix with the steaming water, and I have some vague notion of how pathetic I am, wallowing away because of a boy, but I also know it's not just a boy I've lost but a future as well. And possibly myself.

I vacate the shower before hot can turn back to cold and walk back to my room with a secured towel and robe. Once back in my room, I turn towards the closet. So many clothes, yet seemingly zero choices. It's like a warped first day where you can't quite get your outfit right. It's my first day without Jacob. My first day being dumped.

Does one wear a kick ass outfit that will make everyone wonder how in the world he could have let me go? Do I even have the confidence or the clothing for that?

Or does one wear nondescript clothing in an effort to hide from onlookers? Is that even possible at Forks High School?

Suddenly exhausted by this inner conflict, I choose my favorite comfortable jeans and a hoodie, one of the few that I hadn't swiped from Jacob's closet throughout the years. It hurts to think that I won't be able to wear those in public anymore.

It kills me to think he might expect me to give them back.

The clock on my nightstand taunts me with a time of 8:03. It usually takes me minutes to get ready in the morning, but it seems everything really has changed. I quickly remove the towel from my head and run my fingers through my hair a few times before I'm satisfied that it will dry in an acceptable manner.

I almost forget to grab my truck keys as I run down the stairs, but the image of Jacob opening his car door for me reminds me that he won't be waiting outside this morning to drive me to school. I push the unwanted sadness away with a groan as I rush down the stairs, careful to avoid Charlie who definitely knows about the break up and definitely is not capable of having a satisfactory conversation about it.

"Bells –" he calls out, but I'm already on the porch.

"Love you, I'm late!" I call from over my shoulder before I let the door close behind me as I rush towards my beast of a truck. I'm suddenly grateful Charlie decided to take it off of Billy's hands when he did even though I insisted I didn't need it. _I had Jake after all._

How naïve.

I wonder if Charlie expected it all to crumble. I wonder if everyone did.

The drive to school is too short. As I pull in to a spot, as far from Jake's usual area as possible, I realize just how unprepared I am for this moment. Resigned to the fact that I will probably never feel good about this though, I force myself out of the truck. I need to disguise the hurt. I need an armor to hide the weakness I feel all over. Jake saw it, and look at where that's left me.

Everyone stares at me as I make my way across the parking lot. I refuse to let my head fall, or avert my eyes even though everything in me wants nothing more than to stare at the concrete. I don't know where this courage comes from, or if it's even courage at all, but I follow through and make it to my first class without a tear, without a reaction to whispering, without a crack in my shield.

The morning passes like that. People try to talk to me with fake words of comfort or with thoughtlessly rude inquisitions. I ignore both and prepare for the biggest challenge of the day: lunch.

At the beginning of the year, I despised that lunch was the only thing Jacob and I had in common on our schedules. As I enter the cafeteria, earlier than usual in an attempt to secure a table first, I wish we had nothing in common.

I don't even bother grabbing a tray, knowing that the food would only go to waste. As I wait for Angela to come to the table, I pull out my latest re-read: Emma. I don't even try to comprehend the words, rather I just let my eyes skim over it all and turn the page every minute or so. I don't want to chance having to see Jacob, or any other person who usually joins this table. I don't want to see the apprehension in their eyes as they attempt to put themselves on a side.

I wish I could choose to be on his side. I wish he hadn't cast me off of his.

Angela finally takes a seat next to me, thankfully before tears fall from my eyes. She gives me a weak smile and grips my arm as if to remind me she's here.

"So, T-minus 10 days until I don't have to deal with this horrendous food anymore. Dining halls have to be better than this, right? What does your California guy say about that?" She asks, poking around the weird pasta dish the cafeteria served up today.

"Edward. California guy is Edward, and he wasn't a fan of the dining hall. Sorry Ang, you'll never escape it." I close my book, but make sure to keep my eyes trained on her.

"Ugh, no. Why must the culinary Gods hate me?" She takes another stab at the pasta. I laugh despite how strange it feels to smile.

Just as Angela starts up on the topic of graduation, I see Jacob out of the corner of my eye. I've spent my entire life trying to stay connected to him, so I should have known avoiding him could never have worked. In spite of the pain, once I get a glimpse I can't stop or avert my eyes the same way an addict can't stop after one hit.

He looks the same as always. Russet skin, black hair, tall and built for sports. I scan anywhere for weakness, for a crack in the persona, anything to show me he's not whole anymore, and that I still have a piece of him.

There doesn't seem to be a problem though. He seems in tip top shape, ready to take on the world. It's going to be a long 10 days.

It's going to be a long lifetime.

He turns around suddenly from his place in the line. My spine straightens, thinking he's felt my eyes. He always did say my eyes were powerful, that he could get lost in them. He always berated me when I complained of their brown-ness, or when I wished for ice blue.

Hope flutters in my chest. This was all a mistake. He was just stressed or tired. I made him angry and he lost it, but now he realizes what a terrible mistake it was to break us, to break me. My feet push slightly against the floor, ready for the first opportunity to walk towards him, and into his arms.

His eyes find me finally, and I feel warmth. It's familiar and comforting and all Jacob; it feels like home.

And then it's gone just as fast. His gaze moves somewhere beyond me, looking through me as if I don't exist anymore. I'm honestly not sure that I do either.

I avert my gaze from him as well, and pretend to listen to Angela talk once more about the importance of finding comfortable shoes for klutzy me (we'll go with wedges not heels apparently).

With a few head nods and well placed affirmations, I am able to pull my phone out without being too obvious in my wandering mind.

_Edward,_

_Thanks for that very spirited welcome. Can't wait for you to show me around all those neat-o team activities. I absolutely demand to be taken to football, basketball and the occasional baseball game or other spirited function. _

_10 more days left, and I'm counting hours until I'm done. _

_I can definitely do summer classes, right? It's time for a change of scenery- BIG TIME. _

_See ya soon,_

_Bella_

T-minus 240 more hours of Jacob Black left. Who knows if that's good or bad. 


End file.
